


Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad

by belmanoir



Series: Flying from the blast [14]
Category: Kyle XY, The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Kink that is not entirely safe and sane, M/M, Misogyny, References to Mind Control, References to past sexual assault/abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, background Tony/Bruce/Pepper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-04
Updated: 2012-08-04
Packaged: 2017-11-11 09:48:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/477216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belmanoir/pseuds/belmanoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki and Nicole talk about kink, and Loki and Tony do a joint session.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kalirush](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalirush/gifts), [queenbookwench](https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenbookwench/gifts).



> For kalirush, who asked for Loki talking to Nicole about his relationship with Tony, and queenbookwench, who asked for Tony in therapy. Sorry this isn't a solo session, but I think that's still a ways away!
> 
> Beta'd by Sonia.
> 
>  **Warnings:** suicidal thoughts, kink that is not entirely safe and sane, references to past sexual abuse/assault, references to mind control, misogyny

"I want to talk to you about something," Nicole says.

Loki goes still. He knows what's coming.

"I want to talk about your relationship with Tony Stark."

He watches her silently. Her eyes are sharp and concerned. He doesn't want to talk about this with her.

"Why didn't you tell me the two of you were being physically intimate with each other?"

"It never came up," he says insolently.

She smiles. "If you wanted me to believe that, you wouldn't have said it like that."

He hates her. He _hates_ her. He tilts his chin up and smiles at her. "I was bitterly ashamed."

She chews on her lower lip, her carefully pencilled eyebrows drawing together. He watches her face and tries to understand why she cares. He can identify nothing in himself to provoke the feeling. Thor at least he had the opportunity to work on from an early age. And yet Stark and Banner seem to feel it too, this affection for _him_ , when he is like the scorpion in the fable and only stings them for their pains.

"Why were you ashamed?" she asks.

He wants to answer her. He wants to see the disgust on her face. But his mind and mouth can find no pathway between them.

"On Asgard, how do people feel about men being romantically or sexually attracted to other men?"

He laughs. If only it were that simple. "It is effeminacy that is despised on Asgard, not lust."

Her eyebrows raise. "Effeminacy?"

"No offense."

"Can you tell me a little more specifically what that means to you?"

He thinks of Sif. She was a better man than he was, and he hated her for it. Hated her for how he was always the shrinking flower, the straggler in every feat of strength, the outcast, when it should have been her by right of birth. He digs his nails into his palm.

But he stops before it bleeds: another weakness. Opening his hand, he looks at the dark crescent moons in his skin. He understands for the first time Tony Stark's fixation with Captain America. Steve Rogers was born weak, yet somehow he was able to love those luckier than he without rancor.

"Ruled by passions," he says. "Ruled by the body and the heart."

"Instead of the mind?"

He nods.

"So you think Thor is ruled by his mind?"

No. He doesn't. But--anger is an acceptable passion.

Anger has ruled Loki all his life.

What then is the difference? He knows there is one. He knows it. Something in Thor makes people want to follow him, and something in Loki makes people want to hurt him. Is it only that Thor is kind?

 _You could be a nice guy too if you felt like making the effort,_ Steve told him. Loki doesn't think that's true. That isn't it, anyway. Kindness does not command loyalty in itself. 

He has it now. "I lack conviction." 

She nods. "Loki, I'm going to ask you something, and I'd really like you to answer it honestly." She waits.

He nods. It is folly and sentimentality to feel bound by these small promises. Yet he does. 

"Do you ever use sex to punish yourself?"

He gapes. "Is it written on my face? Stark knew it too."

She frowns. "What do you mean, 'Stark knew it too'?"

"I told him--" Loki breaks off.

"You won't shock me," she says. "I know it's awkward talking honestly about sex, and it's not something most people do very much even with their sexual partners. It's normal to feel embarrassed. Don't worry if you need to go slowly or take a break."

"I told him I wanted to hurt him," he says. Her mouth curves up at his contrariness. Affection again. Why? "And he said he thought I would want him to hurt me."

"Hmm," she says. "Hurt you how?"

He shrugs. "Any way he can."

"Have you ever seriously injured each other?"

He can feel the arc reactor imprinted on his fingertips. He's never pulled it out. "Not yet."

"How about not so seriously?"

"He's far more careful with me than Thor is." Stark's idea of pain is far removed from Loki's. He wants to ask for more, and he's afraid to. He's careful with Stark, too. He is. He's just afraid that one day, he won't want to be.

She nods. "I think we might be talking about two different things. Do you know what 'kinky' means?"

He nods. 

"Can you define it for me? Sorry, I just want to make sure we're on the same page."

"BDSM," he says. "Bondage-discipline-dominance-submission-sado-masochism. Power and pain."

"I think when Tony said he thought you'd want him to hurt you, he meant that he thought you were submissive or masochistic. What do you think?"

He nods.

"That's not really what I meant. Plenty of people who aren't interested in kink at all still punish themselves with sex. For example, they might have sex when they don't want to, or with people they don't want to have sex with, or deny themselves things they want, or do things they aren't really comfortable with. They don't respect their own boundaries and desires. It has nothing to do with what kind of sex they have or like."

He thinks of Stark's careful list of rules: _No pain and humiliation together. No talking about Pepper or Bruce. Never without the bracelets. Etc., etc._ Loki has no rules. 

"Do you think that's something you do?"

He stares back at her, unsure what to say. "I don't want tenderness," he says. "I don't like it."

She swallows. "Okay. There's nothing wrong with that." She doesn't sound sure, though. She sounds sorry for him. "But you can have kinky sex, and roleplay disrespect or let someone hurt you, and still feel safe and in control."

"I don't _want_ to feel safe and in control."

She nods, thinking. "It's tricky," she says after a pause. "There's overlap between the sexual stuff and the emotional stuff. There always will be--that's why we call it being intimate with someone. Just remember what we've talked about here: you always have control, even if what you choose to do with it is cede it to someone else. You can choose to say no whenever you like."

He laughs. 

"Have you ever said no to sex, and had someone ignore you?"

He doesn't know how to answer that.

He thinks of the spear. He ripped consent away from others. He deserves to have it ripped away from him.

 _Stark says the Chitauri might have been controlling you too,_ Agent Barton said. He would almost rather be a monster than a violated pawn.

She reaches out. "May I?"

He looks down in surprise at his hands like claws on the arms of his chair. He nods, and she covers one of his hands with hers. Warm and undemanding. He wants it and wants to fling it away in equal measure.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

She nods. "Okay. But when you're ready, I'm here. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

He hates her. He hates her for making him feel like a child. Tears sting his eyes. For once, he's able to force them back. He has a multitude of things to be ashamed of. A great host of them, ready to swarm the Earth and frost it over.

"Sometimes saying no doesn't work. But it should. It always should, no matter what, no matter when. It isn't ever your fault when it doesn't."

It sounds like a fairy tale. Like something you tell a child. But no one ever told _him_ that, when he was a child.

"If you said no to Tony, do you think he would listen to you?"

It's a complicated question. "He isn't strong enough to force me."

"That isn't what I asked."

"I have a safeword." It's still 'safeword,' despite Tony's claim that it's more fun to use an actual word. His mouth curves fondly. If you had told him last summer that he would grow _fond_ of this strutting mortal, he would have been...not even amused. Puzzled. Not sure of the point of the jest.

"That's good. Have you ever used it?"

He shakes his head.

"Do you think he'd stop if you did?"

"Yes," he says. "For the moment."

She nods. "So you don't think he's necessarily very good at respecting boundaries?"

Loki laughs. "Do you?"

She smiles back. "I don't know him very well." Which is a no. Very unprofessional. "That's going to be a challenge for the two of you if you choose to continue in a relationship, because I know you sometimes struggle with setting firm boundaries and enforcing them. _Do_ you want to continue in a relationship with him?"

Loki looks away. He nods.

"Then we're just going to have to do lots more work on boundary setting," she says. "Your favorite."

He laughs in spite of himself.

"I have a question for you," she says. "Tony can be a little demanding sometimes, right? He likes to push people."

Loki nods.

"Why do you think that is?"

That's easy. "He wants attention. He wants it all the time. To prove he exists. To prove that other people can still bear to look at him. His father ignored him, so he turned up the volume. He's forgotten how to turn it down."

She smiles. "Okay. Another question: was 'Loki' in that explanation anywhere?"

Loki shakes his head.

"So you know it's not about you. It affects you, but it's not about you. Even if Tony gets upset when you set boundaries with him, it's not your fault or your responsibility. It doesn't mean anything about you."

Loki doesn't understand how so many things not being his fault or his responsibility somehow means that many, many more things _are_ his responsibility.

"He's supporting you," she says. "Do you think that makes it harder for you to talk to him about things that are bothering you?"

"Stark is supporting most of the Avengers _and_ his girlfriend," Loki points out.

"You don't think it's a source of tension at all? Feeling dependent on someone isn't always pleasant."

He doesn't think Pepper feels dependent. Thor is unclear on the concept of working for a living, and Captain Rogers hates taking money from Stark but isn't in the mood to interview. Banner...he wonders how Banner feels.

"Do you think getting a job would make you feel more in control of your life?"

Loki laughs. "I'm not qualified to do anything."

"You could learn to be, if you wanted," she says. "No pressure. It's just a thought."

The Hunter College course catalog is burning a hole in his jacket pocket. If he can't tell her, he can't tell anyone. And if he can't tell anyone, he can't take the class. Slowly he pulls it out and hands it to her. She looks at the circled paragraph. Loki's face burns.

"Baking and Pastry 101 for Intermediate Temperature-Power Users," she reads, looking startled and pleased. 

Loki's flush deepens. "They might not let me register. I doubt the other students will appreciate my presence." He's afraid to go outside, now. His picture is everywhere. 

Half of New York is afraid to go outside, after what he did.

She doesn't say that Stark will make this happen for him too, if he asks. They both know it.

 _What do you think they mean by 'intermediate'?_ The question is too mortifying to ask.

"I think it's a great idea," she says. "I love gingerbread. Just so you know."

He grins at her, already plotting a steady stream of gingerbread arriving at her door. He still doesn't know where she lives, but Stark does. 

She laughs at the expression on his face. "Be careful what I wish for, huh?"

He gives her an innocent look.

"Back to Tony, though," she says. "Did you tell him you think about hurting yourself?"

That terrible smile crawls across his face. "You could say that."

"Can you describe the conversation to me?"

"He wants to fuck me in my Jotun form," he says crudely. 

She doesn't seem shocked. "How do you feel about that?"

He can feel his eyes gleaming. "Oh, I want it," he said. "And that's what I told him. I told him I wanted him to beat that blue monstrosity until it choked on its own blood."

Her eyebrows go up a little. That's all. "And what did he say?"

"He told me not to call it ''it.'" Stark likes Banner to call the Hulk 'I,' as well. He's so eager for everyone to embrace the monster within. He doesn't realize how much easier his own monster is to embrace.

"And you said?"

He shouldn't have said it to Stark. But he had been saving it for so long, a dagger to be thrust home when needed, and it had slid into his hand unbidden. "I told him if I ripped out his arc reactor, the Hulk would kill me."

She bites the inside of her cheek. "Is that something you've thought about?"

He can't meet her eyes. "Yes."

"Do you think you might do it?"

"He can live without it for a few minutes," Loki explains. "JARVIS would alert someone immediately." Stark wouldn't die. Loki doesn't think he would.

"Is that a yes?"

He imagines ripping it out. Imagines Stark gasping, clawing at his chest. Pleading with Loki, trying to smile, trying to pretend he believed that Loki wouldn't hurt him. Trying to pretend that it must be a joke. Could Loki really stand there and watch it? 

He lets his hands turn blue and big-knuckled and long-fingernailed. "These don't feel like mine," he tells her. "This body doesn't feel like mine. It could do anything."

She nods. "So you think it's mostly safe for you to have sex with Tony in the body you're more used to, but maybe not so safe in your Jotun body."

He nods.

She smiles at him. "I don't blame you for being upset and disturbed. I am too, because I want you to be safe and feel safe. But I'm proud of you. It sounds like you set a very clear boundary with Tony."

"What?"

"You didn't feel safe having sex as a frost giant, so you said something you thought would make Tony back off. Right?"

"I suppose, but..." He trails off.

"You could have gone along with it, and done something you knew wasn't a good idea. But you chose to say no, and to make him listen to you."

He shakes his head.

"I think it's also a good sign that you trusted Tony to care about your safety."

He wants to laugh. He can't. She's right. He knew Stark would be horrified. He knew Stark would have no interest at all in beating him into a pulp. He can't say the same for everyone he's bedded in the past.

"Why don't we roleplay some ways you could have had that conversation a little more directly and respectfully?" she suggests.

###

"We never finished part of our conversation last week," she says. "We never finished talking about why you were ashamed of your sexual relationship with Tony."

"I told you," he says. "Asgardians look down on weakness."

"Effeminacy, right. I'm sorry, but I think I'm missing something. How does that relate to your relationship with Tony?"

He looks at her, incredulous. "I was born to be a king," he says flatly. "I was raised to command. And here I am, licking Tony Stark's boots."

"So you think it's weak to enjoy being submissive?"

"Isn't it?"

"Being honest about your desires is never weak. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage."

Loki looks at his hands.

"Do you want to be a king?"

"No. I've told you that."

"Then why--"

"Because I should want it!" His voice rises. Shrill. Always shrill. "Because if I wanted it, Thor and I..."

"You and Thor would what?"

He can't say it. He can't acknowledge--

"You and Thor would be equals?"

Of course she knows. Everyone knows. He nods. Why bother denying it?

"Thor isn't even sure he wants to be king anymore," she points out.

"Yes, Captain America's little democracy primer, I know," Loki spits out. "See how long that lasts when Odin dies. See how long before he's sitting on the throne and I'm kneeling at his feet. I _long_ to kneel at his feet. I long for it. So tell me now that we're equals."

"You and Thor are equals. Every person is every other person's equal."

What pretty lies these Americans tell themselves. "Then explain to me why I'm sitting here when by rights I should be in prison."

"What do you mean?"

"In your precious democracy, men rule by right of wealth. Odin rules by right of..." He searches for the word that will explain it. Perhaps there is no word. Odin rules by right. 

"Do you think Odin is a good king?"

He doesn't. He _doesn't_. Odin is petty and tyrannical and cold and cruel. But he's also wise and kind and generous and he honestly wants to do what's best. No matter what Loki might like to pretend, he knows why Odin always favored Thor: because Thor is better. "Yes. Mostly. Which is more than I can say for most of your presidents."

"Okay. So he's a better king than you would be."

The back of Loki's throat tastes of ashes. He nods.

"Does that automatically mean he's a better person? I'm a better cook than you are, but that doesn't mean--"

"Of course you are!" he snaps. "Of course you're a better person than I am!"

"Loki, I don't--oh, Loki." She blinks, eyes bright. "You've made some terrible choices. But everybody has the potential inside themselves to commit atrocities. I've been lucky in my life. I don't think I'm a more worthwhile person than you are because of that. You have so much to offer the world. You care so much and you try so hard. And you and Thor--you've both hurt each other so much, but every two weeks here you are, doing so much work to understand each other. I haven't seen Odin in my office trying to understand either of you."

He laughs at the mere thought. He laughs at all of it. Does she really believe it? She has to, he supposes, or her work is meaningless. 

"People have different skills and personalities. It doesn't mean anyone's better. And remember, the way you think about your relationship with Thor is sometimes different from how he thinks about it. And it hasn't always been accurate to the way the power dynamic between you really functions. I think it might be a good idea for you to talk to Thor about this in our next session."

"No."

"I really think--"

"I said no."

She nods. "Okay."

###

Stark is uncomfortable. He can barely stay in his chair.

"You can still back out," Loki says, enough amusement in his voice to sting. 

Stark glares at him. "I'm a little out of my comfort zone, that's all. Let's get cracking, I'm sure I'll get into the swing of things. I'm a fast learner."

"Let's start with my ground rules," Nicole says. "Loki, you've heard these before, but Mr. Stark hasn't. The first rule is: what happens here stays here. That's a rule for me, not you. You can talk about the session with whoever you need to, although of course I hope you'll do it in a way that's respectful of each other and the trust you've showed in this room. But I won't discuss anything you tell me outside this room, with anyone, for any reason. I may take notes for my own use and reference, but I won't share them with anyone and I will keep them safe."

"She means it," Stark says. "Believe me, I've tried."

Loki rolls his eyes. Stark wouldn't even begin to know how to go about getting confidential information from Nicole.

"The only exception to that rule is that I'm legally obligated to notify the authorities if you tell me of your intent to commit a crime. Do you have any questions about that?"

Stark does. They're pointless, irritating questions. Nicole answers the first two patiently and then says, "I'm happy to answer as many questions as you have, but I get the feeling you might be trying to stall me. What do you think?"

Loki hides a smile.

"I think that's a gross injustice," Stark says. "I would never." But he shuts up.

"Rule two: Talk about yourselves. That means you shouldn't tell me what you think each other thinks or feels. Tell me directly about your own experience. Three: I reserve the right to interrupt--"

"Oh good, so do I," Stark says.

Loki grits his teeth.

"Actually, I'd prefer if you two didn't interrupt," she says with a smile. "Especially don't interrupt each other. It's not about politeness, it's about making sure you can both feel safe sharing your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes that's not easy, and knowing you have the space to get to the end of your sentence can really make a difference. Okay?"

Stark shifts in his chair. "I was just joking."

"I reserve the right to interrupt if I think the situation is escalating. I like to do that sooner rather than later just because you've probably already established a lot of counterproductive communication patterns--believe me, that happens in every relationship--and we're trying to restructure that as much as possible."

That isn't what she said to him and Thor. He supposes "counterproductive communication patterns" wouldn't have meant much to them then.

"Four, I'd prefer you didn't keep secrets. Don't try to hide things from me or each other. But if it happens, we'll deal with it. Five, remember that you're here together because you want to be. If at any point you decide you don't want to do the session anymore, say so. You can also refuse to answer any question or declare any topic off-limits. Of course I want you both to be as open and honest as possible, but I also want us to respect each other's boundaries."

That's new, too. Loki thinks it's for him. To protect him from Stark. It's ludicrous. Loki could crush Stark with his bare hands.

"Do you have any questions about those rules?"

Stark fidgets. Loki can almost see the jokes fighting to get out his mouth. He's impressed when Stark holds them in.

"I have one last rule: no violence. Don't get physical with each other, and definitely don't get physical with me."

Strange; that's such an important rule for him and Thor. With Stark it seems irrelevant.

"You're killing me here," Stark says. "'Get physical'? I can think of about a dozen double entendres just off the top of my head."

"Sorry," Nicole says. "Any questions before we get started?" They don't. "I have a question for you, actually. Mr. Stark, may I call you Tony?"

"Of course. I don't know why you don't already."

Nicole shrugs and smiles. "I like to ask permission. I guess it never came up. Okay, another question: Loki, why do you call Tony 'Stark'?"

That's an easy one. "Because 'Tony' doesn't sound like a real name."

Stark scowls. "Hey! Guy in a glass house alert!"

Loki has no idea what that means.

"I think you've taken a huge step toward closeness by coming here together," Nicole says. Loki grimaces. He catches Stark doing the same thing. "Maybe it's just my Earth prejudices, but I think using his last name creates distance between you. Could you try calling him Tony and see how it feels? If neither of you like it, you can always go back to 'Stark.'"

"I like my name," Stark grumbles.

"Tony," Loki says experimentally, and realizes she's right. He feels uncomfortable saying it, because it feels too intimate. As if they're really friends. Two real people with a real relationship. When he called him "Stark," he could imagine that they were still...enemies? That he could still stalk away, if he wanted to. Sometimes the workings of his own mind mortify him.

Stark--Tony beams. "See? That wasn't so hard."

Loki feels slightly suffocated.

"Thanks, Loki," Nicole says. "Like I said, you can always switch back later if you decide you hate it. Now, I'd like to start off with an exercise." She pulls her chess clock out of her bag. The first time he saw it, Loki had no idea what it was. 

"Do you know what this is?" she asks Tony.

"It's a chess clock," Tony says. "I was on the chess team in school," he tells Loki. "I bet you're shocked."

Loki doesn't really find it interesting one way or the other.

She nods. "I'm going to use it to time you. So first, Tony, I want you to talk to Loki for one minute about whatever you want: maybe why you're here, or what you want to work on, or how you feel about Loki. Whatever you want. Loki, your job is listen without interrupting or reacting, and to convey that you're listening respectfully and openly with your expression and body posture. No sarcasm, okay?"

He makes a face at her. He already knows these rules from sessions with Thor. Of course, she already knows that conveying openness and respect with his body posture is really difficult for him.

"After a minute, Loki, I want you to paraphrase what Tony said as best you can. Just paraphrase it. Don't respond, don't have an opinion, just repeat back what Tony said. Then Tony, you can correct anything you think Loki got wrong or incomplete, and Loki, you'll repeat that back in your own words. Then Loki gets thirty seconds to respond to what you said. Okay?" They nod. "And then we'll flip and do the same thing, except Loki will talk and you'll listen. Any questions?"

This time, Stark doesn't. He seems eager to begin. Loki hides a smile. Nicole is clever. Stark's--Tony's weakness is his love of talking. One of his weaknesses.

She hits the timer on Tony's clock. He looks at Loki. His mouth opens and shuts. He laughs nervously. "This is a lot of pressure. I don't--hmm." He watches the clock.

"Try to make eye contact, if you can," Nicole says. "If it's too much, that's okay."

Tony makes eye contact for about two seconds. "Sorry, the clock is distracting. Look, I talk about my feelings all the time, right? People think I'm an open wound." He says something that sounds like wizzywig. Loki can attach no meaning to it. "But nobody notices the stuff I _don't_ talk about. It's like a magic trick. Prestidigitation. Legerdemain. The first rule is misdirection." He makes a complex gesture, possibly intended to convey _magic trick_ , or to draw attention away from his face, or both.

Loki's noticed that trick of Tony's. He tries to convey openness with his face. He's opening his eyes too wide. It's a parody. He always does this, plasters an expression of melting sincerity on his face and Thor never seems to notice. Except Thor must: _You are incapable of sincerity,_ he said, and it hurt because he knew Thor was right. No matter how deeply he feels, the only thing he's ever been able to show convincingly is rage. In the end, he usually just wipes his expression blank and nods a lot.

"I don't--I just feel--I thought we were doing great, and I just feel--I just feel icky looking back and knowing that _you_ didn't feel great. That it was a lie. That you were with me because you knew I'd make you feel like shit."

Loki opens his mouth, catches Nicole's eye, and shuts it.

"I make everyone feel like shit, is the thing," Tony says, and Loki _hates_ this exercise. He always hates this exercise. "I'm stupid about feelings. I need people to tell me what's going on, because I don't know how to figure it out on my own. You know something I don't talk about? Actually, you probably do. Everybody knows, and nobody ever talks about it. I don't mention it and they follow my lead." He makes a little walking gesture with his middle and index finger. "Even Pepper doesn't talk about it. We haven't said his name since we killed him."

Loki does know where this is going. Agent Barton told him all about it. He still doesn't want to hear it.

"He was supposed to be like my dad," Tony says. "Sure, I knew he didn't really like me. But hey, like my dad, right? And I knew he tried to put his hand on my thigh at a company Christmas party once, which, _not_ like my dad for those of you keeping score at home. But I didn't think he was trying to kill me. I mean, he _hated_ me. And here _I_ thought he just thought I was an annoying little shit. Which I couldn't really hold against him. And then he tried to kill me, and then he tried to kill me _again_ , and then he tried to kill Pepper, and then me again, and the worst part was that I knew all along, you know? That something was wrong. But I'm always worried that something is wrong. In every relationship I have. And then I have to wonder, is this, what I'm feeling right now, is it knowing all along or am I just being paranoid? And now I know. With you. And I really wanted to be just being paranoid."

The clock buzzes. Loki sits, absolutely stunned. He's going to have to work hard to top this.

"Thank you, Tony," Nicole said. "Loki, can you paraphrase what Tony said as best you can? Remember, no responses or reactions."

This is like a parody of what he does to Tony during sex. An unpleasant, unarousing parody. "You think that I was using you because I knew you would make me feel like shit. You feel disappointed, because you thought everything was going well between us. You think that our friendship was a lie." He tries desperately to keep his voice absolutely neutral. "There are things you don't talk about, and no one notices, and part of you wishes they would." Tony's mouth starts to curve and he knows he must have failed, must have let his voice slow and slide a little lower. 

Tony winks at him, on the side Nicole can't see, and Loki feels a lot better. Tony's never minded that he was creepy before, and apparently he still doesn't. "Obadiah Stane was supposed to be like your father," he says, and Tony winces at the name. Just a little wince, his mouth recoiling while the rest of his face doesn't react. "You never really trusted him or believed he liked you. So when he tried to kill you, you weren't sure if it was a surprise, or if you knew all along. Now you doubt all your relationships. And you believe that in ours, it's now been revealed that your doubts were legitimate and that all along, I..." He stops. "I don't want to kill you."

He tries to imagine being someone who never has to clarify that. Who's never tried to kill anyone, or had anyone try to kill them. It sounds...boring. He really is a monster.

"Loki," Nicole says. "It's going to be your turn to respond in a few seconds."

Loki leans back in his chair and spreads his hands wide. "Sorry. That all along, you were my dupe."

"Tony, what do you think? Did Loki get anything wrong or leave out anything important?"

"You left out the part where I make everyone feel like shit," Tony says with a fake smile.

"My apologies. You believe that you make everyone feel like shit."

"Loki. No sarcasm. Say it again, with compassion."

"You feel like you make everyone feel like shit," Loki says, and without the sarcasm it hurts, because Loki makes everyone feel like shit too. Case in point: Tony Stark, who looks absolutely miserable right now.

Tony pokes him. "And you left off how I really wanted to be wrong." He says it snidely, but his face is--Loki swallows.

"You really wanted to be wrong," he parrots, and saying it with eye contact is almost too much. He looks away as quickly as he can.

"Good job, guys," Nicole says. "Okay, Loki, now you have thirty seconds to respond." She hits Loki's timer. It ticks, loud in the small room.

"I have never been honest," Loki says at last. "At home, what I am--I don't mean a frost giant, I mean what I _am_ , here"--he presses a finger hard against his ribs--"do you remember that movie you made me watch? The foolish one, with the songs and the Nazis?"

" _The Producers_ is a classic of modern cinema," Tony says.

"'I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure,'" Loki quotes. "The games I play with you--I've played them before. Only they weren't games. And nobody had a safeword. Affection has always bred hatred in my heart, and hatred affection, like monsters coupling in a pit--"

Tony makes a funny little face, and Loki feels suddenly incredibly embarrassed.

"Tony," Nicole scolds.

"I can't help it!" Tony says. "Asgardians talk funny. It's a proven fact." He grimaces at the look on Loki's face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Keep going. You were at monsters coupling in a pit."

Nicole stops the clock. "Tony. What did Loki just tell you?"

"That he doesn't feel safe being honest," Tony says. "And then I laughed at him. I get it. I just-- _Loki,_ come on. Shit."

Loki's words congeal like spilled blood on his tongue. Another overwrought metaphor. He doesn't know what else to say. "I like you," he says, viciously. "More than I've liked anyone else I fucked." He wants to teleport away so badly he can taste it. He looks at Nicole. "You don't have to restart the clock. I'm done."

She nods. "So Tony, I don't want to belabor what just happened. It's your first time with the exercise. It's not that unusual for someone to laugh. Honestly, a lot of times other people's feelings can seem completely startling and bizarre. Loki, have you and Thor ever laughed at each other?"

Loki takes a deep breath. Thor is his brother. That's different. But he nods. 

"But the point of the exercise is to learn to listen to other people's articulations of their emotional experiences with a totally open mind. Do you think you can repeat back what Loki said with openness and respect?"

Tony looks away. It's always amazing to Loki how different he looks when he relaxes his face. Tireder, maybe, or older. Or maybe he only relaxes his face when he feels tired and old. Then he meets Loki's gaze with serious brown eyes and says, "You've never been able to be honest. Your feelings and your personality weren't socially acceptable in your family. You feel like a failure, and your sexual relationships haven't exactly been safe, sane, and consensual." He's doing really well--and then Loki can see the moment when he reaches _monsters coupling in a pit_ in his mind. Loki's own lips twitch, and suddenly they're both laughing. It _is_ funny, true and terrible and utterly laughable. 

"Affection and hatred make the beast with two backs in your heart," Tony says, "and also I think are their own parents. And you like me better than anyone you've ever fucked." He looks so pleased by it. Usually that's where the hatred comes in--the more Loki likes someone, the more he resents their power over him, and worst of all, their own knowledge of that power. Maybe it will come later, but right now, he _wants_ to give that to Stark. He wants to make him happy. 

This realm has given him this. This realm, and Nicole.

"Great," Nicole says. "How do you guys feel about that, overall?"

"Could have been worse," Tony says, glancing at Loki.

"I can't argue with that," Loki says. 

Nicole refrains from commenting on their sarcasm. "Okay, Loki, now it's your turn. Are you ready for me to start the timer?"

He isn't, but he hates having to ask her to start it, so he nods anyway. He looks at Tony, mind blank, and suddenly, out of nowhere, he says, "I'm sick of being the boy from the wrong side of the tracks. Humans have a word for what you do with me. Slumming. You call me because your nice friends don't like clubs or thousand-dollar sundaes, don't like talking at movies, won't put up with your drinking--"

" _You_ don't put up with my drinking," Tony says.

"Tony, this is Loki's minute," Nicole says. "Openness and respect." As Loki watches, Tony completely rearranges his face. 

Loki hides a smile. He suspects his own expression of melting sincerity is somewhat similar. "You use me to make your boyfriend look respectable by comparison, you fuck me because Bruce and Pepper are too nice to do the things I do, and then you don't even want me to say their names. As if I'd pollute them by speaking of them. You call me when you want to be bad. And I wish--I wish I--" He stops. "I wish I knew how to deserve better," he says finally. "I love the high life, and I talk at movies, and if somebody snaps, it will be me and not Bruce. I like doing things nice girls don't do. But--" He can't say it. It's too embarrassing. Tony already looks embarrassed for him. He's wincing sympathetically. "I--" He glances at Nicole. She's giving him an encouraging look. She's never been embarrassed by a single mad thing he's said. "I want to go to your museums," he says. "And Coney Island, and the zoo. I want--"

Tony is blinking in confusion. Loki covers his face with his hands. What in the nine realms did he just say?

"You want to visit your friends the tigers?" Tony says. Loki peers through his fingers and he sees the moment when the light bulb goes on over genius Tony Stark's head. "Pet tiger," he says. "Got it."

"Loki, you have a few seconds left," Nicole says. "Was there more you wanted to say?"

Loki shakes his head.

"Tony, can you repeat back what Loki said?"

"He feels like I'm slumming with him," Tony says. "He feels like all my other friends are really upstanding and responsible and that I use him to cut loose. He feels like I have sex with him because Bruce and Pepper don't like mean sex. And he feels like that's what he deserves. But he also wants to do cute letterman's jacket stuff."

"Oh, and I hate when you use references I don't understand," Loki says.

"And he hates when I use references he doesn't understand," Tony repeats promptly. "Back in the mists of time, jocks got these special jackets, and they'd give them to their best girls. It's like, nineteen-fifties-nostalgia-soda-fountain-sharing-a-milkshake-with-two-straws-Norman-Rockw--I mean, it's vanilla. It's really cute, vanilla, holding hands, all-American kind of dating."

"Loki, did Tony miss anything?"

He missed the part about Bruce and Pepper. Loki knows that was entirely unfair in the first place, so he shakes his head.

"Okay. Then Tony, you have thirty seconds to respond."

"Those are fair points," Tony says, to Loki's utter shock. "I didn't mean to make you feel that way, but I--I guess I usually feel like the black sheep--I mean the biggest asshole in the room. It was nice to not feel that way. I wasn't thinking. And you are going to love the Bronx Zoo. Especially the World of Reptiles. Also, I just want to point out that I put the moves on you before I knew you were kinky."

Loki repeats it back. He cringes at the crusading zeal in Tony's eyes. He is going to regret this. He is going to be subjected to the most protracted, obsessive cute-dating campaign ever launched. He is going to yearn for a good strip club and a quick and dirty fuck.

He's a little in awe that Stark still wants to bother with him.

"How do you both feel about how that went?"

"Like a fuck-up," Tony says, just as Loki says, "all right."

Nicole nods. "Tony, I know it's hard to hear negative feelings about a relationship. Just try to remember that you still have the exact same relationship you had a couple of weeks ago. You just know more about it now. It's like bugs in a computer program--once you find them, you can fix them."

"Ooh, hip and now, Nicole," Tony says. "It's like you're really speaking my language."

"You're older than she is," Loki points out. He doesn't know if it's true, but that doesn't matter. Tony gives him a nasty look and Loki laughs.

"Tony and I are almost exactly the same age," Nicole says. "Now I've got an exercise for the two of you. Loki, you've done this one before. I have a list of words that describe feelings. I'm going to give you each one, and I want you to circle the ones that describe how you feel immediately _after_ being physically intimate with each other."

She hands Loki a clipboard and a pen, and lays Stark's on the Kleenex table for him to take. Loki likes this exercise, because he doesn't have to come up with words himself. Sometimes she still makes him read them out loud, but it feels safer, more distant. Silently, he passes his sheet back to her. Tony is taking longer, obviously considering his choices carefully. Loki leans a little to see if he can read over Tony's shoulder. Tony cups his hand to hide his answers. "Cheater." Eventually he, too, hands his clipboard back to Nicole, who looks over their answers

"So there are some things I notice right away," she says. She holds up the sheets. "What do you see?"

"I've got almost all positive words, and Loki's got almost all negative ones," Tony says, his voice hard and resigned. Loki's stomach clenches. It isn't a rejection of Tony. It isn't.

Nicole nods. "Remember, this isn't about blame. No one should ever have to feel guilty or ashamed of how they feel."

"How about how they make other people feel," Tony muttered.

"You aren't responsible for Loki's feelings," Nicole says. "He told you that himself."

Tony doesn't look convinced.

"There's some other things I notice, too, though," she says. "Loki, do you mind if I compare this to previous sheets you've filled out?"

Loki nods. He knows what she'll say. He wants Tony to hear it.

"Usually you circle a lot of words in the 'anger,' 'afraid,' and 'hurt' categories. Today you only circled a few. You also circled a lot more in 'sad' and 'depressed.' And some of the positive feelings you circled are ones I'm not sure I've ever seen from you: 'relaxed,' 'quiet,' and 'calm.'"

Tony blinks.

"You also circled 'satisfied' and 'liberated.' I'm wondering if some of these supposedly negative feelings aren't actually positive things you want from sex."

"Yes," Loki says.

"Is making your sheet look more like Tony's something you'd like to work on?"

He shakes his head.

She waits, but he has nothing to add. Tony looks thoughtful. Well--Tony never looks thoughtful, that's too peaceful a word. He looks like his brain is whirring away in his skull. 

"The other thing I'm noticing is that both of you circled 'awkward' and its synonyms, and neither of you circled some words I see pretty commonly when I do this exercise with couples: 'secure,' 'comfortable,' 'reassured,' or 'close.'"

"We aren't a couple," Loki points out.

Tony turns in his chair. "Excuse me?"

Loki waves his hands. "We're--friends."

Tony looks slightly mollified, but he says, "Friends can feel close."

"Exactly," Nicole says. "I've got a few suggestions for you guys now. But please stop me if you object to anything I say, or if you have questions. And Loki, I'm not going to share anything big that you've talked to me about in private, but please stop me right away if you're not comfortable with what I'm saying."

Tony gives her a comically exaggerated open-and-receptive look. Loki presses his lips together to keep from laughing and faces Nicole.

"I have to admit, I'm a little concerned by what you and Loki have told me about your sexual activities. But plenty of people who are depressed or self-harm or think about suicide have very fulfilling kinky sex lives. I don't want to tell you not to do things that make you feel good. But I think maybe you should tone it down, just at first. You can always intensify your play again later."

Loki is already embarrassed. He can see Tony squirming out of the corner of his eye. 

"The most important thing is a relationship like this--well, any relationship, but in one with any kind of potentially dangerous play, even more so--is communication and trust. I think it might be a good idea for the two of you to check in with each other more during sex. Right now you just use a safeword, right?"

"Yeah," Tony says. "But Loki never uses it." Loki hadn't realized he noticed. Tony's only used it once or twice.

"Have you ever heard of 'green, yellow, red'?"

"Like traffic lights?" Loki asks.

"Yeah," Tony says. "Instead of safewords you say 'green' for go, 'yellow' for 'slow down and we'll see how it goes,' and 'red' for stop."

"Right," Nicole says. "It's an easy way to check in without having to stop play for a conversation. And even 'red' doesn't have to mean that you stop completely, like a safeword. It could just mean no more of that particular activity. The two of you can work out the details yourself, but I think a system like that might make it easier to set boundaries without it being a big deal."

"Okay," Tony says. "I can do that."

"What do you think, Loki?"

He doesn't like the idea. He doesn't want more accountability during sex.

Then he realizes how humiliating it will be to consent, over and over, while Stark torments him. Nowhere to hide, even from himself.

"Sure," he says. "Why not?"

"A system like this is only good if you use it, and use it in good faith," she says warningly. "If you use it several times and one or both of you doesn't say 'yellow' or 'red' at least a few times, you'll need to check in with each other again and figure out what's not working. It's important that you both try to create a safe space where either of you can say no, no questions asked."

"I see you looking at me," Tony says. "I do take no for an answer." He fidgets. "Sometimes. Okay, fine."

"I'm glad to hear it," she says. "But that isn't the only reason I was looking at you. I want you to be safe, too. I'm a little worried that one of Loki's self-destructive fantasies involves your arc reactor."

Tony looks down. He's wearing a tight black shirt again. The arc reactor shows through, crisp and bright, his vulnerability on display like a trophy.

"Respect your instincts. If you don't feel safe, or you have a feeling something is wrong, it's okay to just stop what's going on. Your perception that something's wrong doesn't even have to be accurate. This is about not doing something that you don't want to do. It's important to take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone else to pull you back or tell you it's okay. You're worth it."

Tony looks extremely uncomfortable.

Loki thinks of all the times he pulled Thor out of a losing battle. He thought Thor reckless beyond belief, beyond forgiving. He thought Thor was happy to make Loki be the coward. He wonders, suddenly, if Thor just wanted to hear Loki say that his life was worth more than victory. If he wanted someone to take care of him.

She holds up Loki's feelings sheet again. "Loki's said he doesn't see this as a problem. So I think it's just something that is what it is. Now that you both know about it, that's helpful all by itself. But I do have a small suggestion. It's probably not a great idea for Loki to go off to be by himself feeling like this. Maybe the two of you could plan activities for _after_ sex that make you feel close or happy. And before you go to sleep or part ways, you could briefly check in to see how you're both feeling and whether there's anything that happened that day that you want to talk about."

Loki's heart sinks. He hates being the center of attention.

"And remember, Tony, this isn't about Loki being a problem or a burden. You're the one who requested this session because you wanted a change in your relationship. I don't want you thinking that you're checking in with Loki to see how _he_ feels. The two of you need to be checking in with _each other,_ and you both need to be willing to be emotionally vulnerable."

"But I hate being emotionally vulnerable," Tony whines.

Nicole smiles. "Everybody does. I know all these rules might feel awkward or limiting at first. But I think you'll find that over time, they'll actually help you be more comfortable and freer with each other. And that can only improve your sex life. Do you want to come back in a month or so to check in and see how you're doing?"

###

Outside her office, Tony and Loki stand around awkwardly. Happy waits at the curb with the car. "You, uh, want to grab lunch?" Tony asks. "Afterwards we could give her a spin on the new track. I mean. It's a racecar metaphor? Because--"

"I gathered that you were propositioning me." Loki foresees a long and exhausting stretch of Tony explaining references to him. "I can't today. It's Spa Week. Discounts at all the best spas in Manhattan. I promised Thor we'd go. Tomorrow morning, maybe?"

Tony frowns. "You're going to the spa without _me?_ That doesn't even make sense."

Loki shrugs. 

"Thor's getting a little clingy," Tony says. "You might want to nip that one in the bud."

Loki doesn't. He's enjoying Thor's clinginess. It will wear off soon enough, but for now--he missed Thor too, in S.H.I.E.L.D.

"And do you really have to share a room with him at the Tower?" Tony demands. "It's extremely inconvenient. For me."

Loki shrugs again. He likes sharing a room with Thor. Especially since at Stark Tower, unlike in the RV, the maids do the work of cleaning his hair out of the sink and shower. "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans for a harem."

"Oh, I have a harem," Tony snaps. "You all live in my tower, don't you?"

"Don't let Pepper hear you call it _your_ tower."

"Fine. You and Bruce live in _our_ tower."

Loki rolls his eyes. "Race you home," he says.

"Hey, no f--"

Loki leans in and presses a kiss to Stark's lips, fast, before teleporting away.


End file.
